The hardest thing…
A hard thing I witnessed as a counselor was clients beating themselves up for everything.
Whether losing their temper with family, relapsing because of anxiety, or forgetting their medication, there was a natural urge to be self-critical.
We can all probably relate on some level – no matter our path.
But one of the best parts of counseling was seeing others in a group setting surround that person with positivity and compassion to support them.
“This is a journey,” they would say. You’re human.”
That was the stuff, folks. That was real.
Two perspectives
Here’s the thing: Clients were ready to provide compassion to others, but were often very hesitant to show self-compassion.
It was a clear pattern.
A cheerleader for a group member one week was, the next week, reluctant to give themselves the same grace.
It was easier to show compassion for others, but harder to direct it toward oneself.
But both really matter.
We all fall short sometimes – but we can come back stronger.
Compassion – and why it matters
There are a variety of definitions for compassion, but here are two that get the point across:
The first is a five-parter from Clinical Psychology Review. Compassion consists of:
1. Recognizing suffering
2. Understanding the universality of human suffering
3. Feeling for the person suffering
4. Tolerating uncomfortable feelings, and
5. Motivation to act/acting to alleviate suffering
Here’s a simpler definition: “The feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.”
So, compassion is about recognizing another’s pain or struggle, and feeling like we want to help.
Self-compassion, then, happens when we direct this feeling inward and apply it to ourselves.
There’s health benefits here, as well.
According the NIH, self-compassion has been associated with:
- Increased optimism and happiness
- Increased connectedness and curiosity
- Decreased depression and anxiety
- Less rumination
- Decreased fear of failure
But research and benefits aside, it just plain feels good to be kind, understanding, and less critical.
Turn the goodwill inward
We live in a world that demands perfection and lays out expectations we often can’t live up to, deadlines we can’t meet, etc.
The temptation to criticize ourselves is often irresistible. Opportunities to feel guilt and shame are everywhere.
But these are motivators to show self-compassion. To see that we all fall short and are imperfect, to acknowledge it, and to practice a little self-kindness.
Here are five ways to do it.
1. Do unto you as you’d do unto others. Twist the Golden Rule: If you naturally have compassion for others, remind yourself daily to apply the same to yourself. Say nice things to yourself – just like you would for a good friend. Support yourself. In short: Be good to you.
2. Journal. Want to find out how you’re feeling about yourself? Write about it. Processing difficult emotions through writing is so helpful, because it gets stuff out of your head and onto paper where you can question assumptions and judgments about yourself.
3. Be mindful. Increasing moment-to-moment awareness and acceptance – without judgment – can help you get a better handle on how events can trigger self-criticism and blame. If you struggle to let go of difficult feelings, mindfulness exercises can help. Start with these.
4. Reframe. You make a mistake. Instead of jumping to self-criticism, start with the lesson or the takeaway from what happpened. Issues are opportunities. “Wow. How do I stop that from happening again?” “That conversation didn’t go as I planned. How can I approach that person differently next time?”
5. Get perspective. Multiply your age by 6 billion. That’s how many mistakes you’ve made. Me too. Now, consider this: The thing you’re beating yourself up for is just one drop of water in the ocean of life. Yes, some mistakes are bigger than others, but honestly – most of the stuff we stress about is small stuff. Keep perspective.
Self-compassion means more compassion for others
Here’s the MtE tip: Be nice to yourself, and others
There’s a self-compassion lie spreading out there: “If I’m nicer to myself, isn’t that selfish? Shouldn’t I focus on others?”
This lie binds us to destructive thought cycles that work against others. If we’re not there for ourselves, then can we really be there for others?
Remember: Self-compassion leads to wellbeing and a greater sense of motivation, meaning we can be there more for others when we’re there for ourselves.
I used to tell my counseling clients to be a good friend to themselves first – to be kind and understanding. Then, take that way of feeling and thinking out in the world to support to others.
In short: Model what you want to do for others on yourself first:
- Be understanding to yourself, be kind to yourself; then
- Be understanding to others, be kind to others
Soothe your own sore spots and support yourself to the best of your ability.
Then, take that to the global group session and help another person.
How do you show yourself compassion? Let us know!
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For more perspective on life, practicing self-compassion, and much more, check out my books: An Audible Silence and The Nobody Bible; or schedule a free 15-minute call to see if coaching might be right for you. For even more, follow me on Instagram or TikTok.
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(NOTE: This post is not medical or mental health advice or diagnosis, and is solely for informational/entertainment purposes. If you need physical or psychiatric care, please reach out to a trained and licensed medical professional.)